Once again I'm sitting over here in my feelings, big shocker right?
It's like since everything got kickstarted I've been feeling things at such deep levels and amazing depths have come from it. I've opened myself up to some of the greatest and most healing loves I could ever experience. The loveliest of friendships, the closeness of family, and the tenderness of everything in-between.
It's funny that when we are children we fill our heads with these romantic fairy tales daring to tell ourselves we will get this happily ever after moment, and boom, everything is fixed. It's even funnier that when we grow up and see love for what is it; a giant mirror looking back at us. How open are we ourselves open to love? How much love do we give out? What are the flaws we possess when it comes down to it? What traumas are we allowing to play out? Are we actually opening up, or are we continuing to tell the same stories?
That mirror gives you one hard look at yourself, and in that moment you can either do one of two things.
1) You can walk away. Honestly, it's easier and less painful in the direct moments following. You can't get hurt if you're not open enough to be hurt. There can be no heartbreak if your heart isn't in it. This idea makes me think of my fav 2019 song by Alexander Jean the song lyric goes "I spent half of my twenties, wasted and killing time, breaking hearts, before they got to breaking mine." So option numero uno, walk away, don't open yourself up to that type of deep love and soulful connection, maybe it's not the right time for you, maybe you are working on you, or maybe you just don't want to. It's fine, just be real with yourself about your reasons. Don't carry your trauma forward by saying you are not good enough, because you are, and you chose to not open yourself up and do the hard work.
2) Put the work in. Love in any form is complex and tricky, it's heartbreaking and mending, it's give and take, it's putting yourself first, and it's putting your partner (friend, family member, pet, kid) first. It's noticing what you don't want to carry forward and morphing into the person you are trying to become. It's finding moments to find yourself, and also let whoever see the cracks in you. It's a willingness to start healing those cracks and trust me that's a painful process. It's staying up late getting to know each other. It's laughing, crying, exciting, and most importantly it's rewarding.
I keep seeing the statement, "It's better to have loved and lost than to never love at all"
Sometimes I believe that, and sometimes I struggle with it. It's difficult, because that saying doesn't give you any peace in the moments of loss. I remember the first time a friend and I started drifting apart. We were so close, but life and love had different plans for us. It SUCKED. I felt so thoroughly abandoned and completely hurt. I didn't think I would ever trust another friend the way I trusted her. I kept telling myself that too, and during those times when I would say that, I never found that person. But when I finally poured my heart into the universe and did the work I needed to do, I was so carefully shown the path and a new friendship, deeper, and better showed up.
When it comes to romantic love, I am by no means an expert. Unless you call an expert someone who has loved one person, and I mean truly loved. I've given my heart into the universe to trust that it fully has my back in choices that I've made and choices that get made for me. I believe that when you give love you receive love back. When you allow other people to see you, you create a soul connection with them, no matter the excuses we make. There's a time for love, and there's a time for learning, sometimes they go hand in hand, and other times they must come separately. Trusting that the universe has timing, and somehow the energy you put out there will come back to you, no matter how terrifying, and sometimes painful it can be.
Love doesn't hurt. The loss of love hurts. Love is this magical experience of deep connections and truly seeing another human. Talking just pure love of wanting what is best for another person is a new one for me. I guess I had selfish loves, and traumatic loves, it's hard to accept just a single person caring, and supporting me. I thought love came with strings, with pain, and with responsibility, and to some extent it does, but when love is present it's like those things matter less. Take Alibi for instance. I LOVE that dang dog. I have a huge responsibility to care for him, support him, and give him the best life I can. He fills my life with this weird light and happiness. Things I never thought I could feel. It's this pure and simple love. (I mean all dogs bring that to you, and obvs they are different than humans.)
So as I'm sitting here, dealing with a tender heart, I have a few words.
1) I do not regret falling in love. I would not take a minute back of the pain I feel when love went away, because I have these amazing memories, and moments for the time my soul crossed paths with another soul.
2) Love shouldn't ask you to compromise your goals and dreams, if it does, it's not right for you. Your goals are JUST AS IMPORTANT. No matter how small they seem to you.
3) Fall in love. It's worth it. Keep falling in love. Tell people you love that you love them. Even if it doesn't work out, it's worth it. Even if in the moment of complete heartbreak and pain, it's worth it. People come into our lives for a reason, and sometimes it's just a season. Let them be, and let them leave. It's part of the human connection.
4) I would not be me without my triumphs, and heartbreaks The universe is trying to mold me into who I should be, and sometimes that takes pure bliss, and other times its incredible darkness.
In photography we have contrast. Contrast allows you to see an image more clearly in many instances. In life, contrast gives us perception as well. It allows you to see things better. Without the light, the darkness wouldn't be darkness. Sometimes hard things happen, and mostly it seems as though they pile up all at the same time, but just like editing a photo, you make all the adjustments pretty quickly together to give you the prettiest picture you wanted. That doesn't mean you should harden up, blame yourself, or another person and shut off the love function in your life. It's not love, and it's not people, it's timing. Don't quit when something just doesn't work out, no matter HOW MUCH PAIN it accompanies into your life.
For that moment when your body hurt from heartbreak, you've lived past that day.
For that moment when you didn't think you'd wake up, you woke up.
For that moment when your whole world was crashing around you, you're still here.
Life moves, and it goes on whether we are ready or not. So we might as well tell the universe we are ready, and get excited for the wonderful things that are coming to us, the things the universe is preparing for us.
Pure Bliss.
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