At the beginning of January, I told the universe that I was looking for growth. I wanted real, authentic people that truly loved me.
I DID NOT KNOW what was in store for 2019.
I asked many people in my life if they could describe the year in one word what would that word be. When I pondered on the same idea... the word surrender kept coming to mind. (Thanks Em)
This year I learned to surrender my idea of what people should be.
I knew if I was going to build better relationships they had to be
a) a two-way street
b) honest and truthful
I stopped creating expectations and I opened space for people to show and tell me who they were. This was honestly one of my favourite parts of the year. I met INCREDIBLE people thanks to Bumble BFF, the Front, public transportation, and my own house. At this moment I didn't know I was building the foundation for what the rest of the year would rely on.
I learned to surrender my idea of what I wanted to be.
My body started in the best shape of my life, I felt good, I looked good, and I was climbing things I didn't think I could. Then, in 21 long days in a hospital, it all crumbled to the ground. Then when I was building my strength up again, 2 more surgeries ended the year with low movement, low jumps, and every single meltdown you can imagine.
I wanted to accomplish so much more than I did this year. I wanted to look a certain way, and be something else I had planned, but life guided me into something else.
In 2019 I surrendered my ego.
Honestly, the universe forced my hand on this one. Being vulnerable is NOT my cup of tea, nor does it come naturally to me. I don't normally let people see my cracks. I'm the strong one that can handle anything. I like to support people, that's my personality, it ALWAYS has been for as long as I can remember. This year, I couldn't be that person anymore. I was not enough for myself. My body and mind took turns failing. I had to let go, and let people in. By doing so, I now have some of the best, and healthiest relationships with the humans in my life that I've ever had before.
It also allowed relationships that couldn't stand the fire to flake away, which, even though it hurt, it's given me so much more peace and love than I ever had before.
By surrendering my ego, I touched on emotions, sought therapy, healed relationships, and tried harder to be the person I wanted others to be for me. I spoke my truth, and I let people see what was happening in my life.
This year I surrendered my wants
2019 quickly turned into a year of needs. It was no longer about traveling and getting the coolest content. It shifted into survival mode. It became a no drama space. I needed support, peace, love, and help. I didn't have time for all the fluff. I surrendered things that I wanted, for my needs.
I realize how "first world problems" this sounds, but I built a life that was all devoted to me, and what I wanted. This year, it was taken away and it was hard to let go of that, and I had to grieve it.
Now, that all the surrendering is out.. let's talk about some of my favorite moments of 2019.
Becky and Matt surprised me in Utah. Right after Skyler left me, I felt so sad and alone, and they snuck up my stairs. I cried. So many happy tears. I have the best people in my life. (so many of my wonderful friends sent me incredible gifts, Sarah, Taylor, Brad, Cassie, & Christie)
There was this really tough night in the hospital where I was reclusing, and a huge mess. Logan walked in, held me, and we watched Brooklyn Nine-Nine.
Stephe and I rewatched ALL the MCU movies. That has to be on the highlight reel.
Alyssa conquered her fears and started becoming a badass climber. SO many Alyssa moments, but also when I had appendicitis and we DIED laughing then the hot doctor thought we were crazy.
When Alex tried to stretch his shoulders. haha It was pretty damn funny.
Ken, Joe, Sam, and I started playing Crockinole and kinda got borderline addicted.
Almost my whole family was together for my baby sister's wedding. (everyone other than my dad and grandpa)
Alibi learned to lay down.
My dad came and spent a weekend with me in Salt Lake City.
Kayla and I FINALLY MET.
I gained a whole family in Saskatoon.
Speaking to 2019: You were hard, and honestly, I'm glad I'll never have to see you again. We are done, and I'm onto something bigger and better. I learned the lessons you brought into my life, and I'll apply them in my future, but good god, let's call this what it was. A complete and total shit show. You kicked my ass, and then kicked me while I was down (cheap shot). You took and you took and you took until I was left in a crumpled mess on the floor. I honestly didn't think I'd make it through you but I did. I won, I didn't let you defeat me. I won. I will keep winning. See ya never 2019.
How I felt through 99% of 2019.
Photo by Matthew Olsen
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