Woof.
October was a tough one mentally for me.
If you're ready for the juice here's the whole jug.
The beginning of October started with me learning my gallbladder was OVERACTIVE. Meaning I had no gallstones or normal gallbladder failure. Instead, I was one of the 13% who's gallbladder begins to fail quickly as it's overproducing bile.
Oct 3rd it was removed.
The surgery went off without a hitch. I was taken home that evening, placed in my bed, and ready for the next 3 days of sleep, and working from bed.
7 days later.. into healing.. was October 10th and I knew something wasn't right.. I had been violently sick all day, and it hurt to breathe thanks to my lovely stitches that covered my stomach. Alyssa took me into the ER at 10 pm and by midnight I was diagnosed with appendicitis.. and given antibiotics and moved to a room on the surgical floor. The nurses were so kind.. but I mean how can you "sleep" when you know your appendix is just sitting there waiting to cause problems.
Oct 11th my surgeon comes in and sits on the edge of my bed. I take a deep breath. He explains to me that this is scary, not only because I had another similar surgery 7 days ago, but because of the inflammation in my intestines (the tiny bit left) could cause me to go into a full flare again. I joked and said I wasn't grown up enough to make these choices. He laughed and gave me some time to think it over. I was trying to be the big strong girl I know I can be, but instead tears poured out of my eyes, I was completely terrified. I took another deep breath, and we proceeded with the surgery.
Oct 12th I was released to go home. With instructions to NOT engage my core for 3 weeks. My activity was to be walking, but I could not be vertical for more than 4 hours a day for the first week. For those who know how active I am, this was the pits.
Days into healing, I hit this moment where the darkness took over and I couldn't calm it. I was angry at my body. I was mad at how slow I was healing, and on top it off, anytime I looked on Instagram I saw this whole world of friends and strangers alike traveling, flipping, adventuring and I was stuck unable to get off a couch by myself. Pity ensued. For an entire day, I couldn't stop crying. I was so angry that my body, that I treat like a QUEEN, was failing me. I was in terrible pain because now where there were only 4 incisions to heal, now I had 7 (and they re-cut open an existing one.)
My mind went to the darkest corners of my soul, and in there I was not sure if I was going to pull myself out. I kept thinking about the life I wanted to live VS the life that was in front of me.
How can I help inspire and get people healthy if my disease was running amuck in my body?
How do I try to work when I was so heavily medicated to help the pain a tiny bit?
Would my mind ever leave this dark spot of pity and self-hatred?
I put myself in time out. I grounded myself from my phone, and I forced myself to confront my demons. More crying happened.
The sun came up the next day, and I planned out how I could use up all 4 hours of being verticle. I knew that if every hour and a half I took a 10-15 minute walk around that I would help my body heal, and maybe accidentally hit my threshold. I had to find ways to keep some type of activity in my body for the sake of my mind.
This was not the end of the dark spots, but it was the start of living with both darkness and light in my mind.
10 days into healing from losing my appendix a person who seems to be very vengeful was able to finally get my Instagram shut down. (Which I know sounds like such a first world problem) But Instagram is part of my income and my livelihood. Not to mention it's a journal for how far I've come, and Alibi growing up, my travels, and just every person I've come across during those travels.
My darkness started trying to take up more space again. Why can't I catch a break? I thought to myself about 100 times.
Right now, everything is a mess, but I believe it's going to turn into a message. I know because I've started building that message for myself. I've found ways to ground myself during what feels like the most untethered and weirdly lonely I've ever been. I've leaned into the pain and worked on seeing pain as an actual part of the process instead of a byproduct of life. I've found deeper connections with quality people, and I've found more flakiness with others. I've been showered in love and support, I've also had hatred and anger directed at me.
The more I look at it, darkness and light co-exist, and when I create space for the balancing of it, I'm somehow more supported and alive than I ever was before.
This is all over, and in a few short days, it's PT time to rehab my body.
I know what it's like to start from ground zero. I'm here right now, physically, emotionally, financially. So if you are reading this, and you've been asking for a sign.
THIS IS IT.
It's time to make that change you have always wanted to. Burn those excuses, because if I'm not letting mine get to me, then you can't let yours get to you either. You are bigger than your circumstances, and you are more capable than you allow yourself to feel. Wherever you are trying to grow, take one small step today. It's going to be hard as hail, but it's going to be worth it. I promise.
If you aren't ready to do it alone, good. You don't have to. I'm right here, going through my tough stuff, just as you are going through yours. I'm looking for people like you, who are at a rebuilding time. I can work with the broken, the lonely, and the sad. Give me a little dedication and together we can rebuild stronger, and you can create something more lasting.
Let's do this.
