Spoiler alert: I'm still here.
They said, "If we don't intervene this will be terminal"
I was 25, and I wrote a goodbye letter, in fact, I wrote 8.
My entire 25 years boiled down to 8 letters, which I thought perfectly encompassed all my loose ends. Now at 30, I have so much more to say.
This last couple of years has brought so many changes, from losing my fallopian tubes to FINALLY having better control of my intestinal tract... to then falling out of remission. To stopping all western medication and intervention, to unlocking the BEST I've ever felt.
I guess you could say there's been ups and downs, and everything in between.
My therapist and I have been processing the trauma my body, and soul went through since 2019. I really didn't think there was much there, maybe I was living in a world where I was "less in survival mode" so that counted as a win, and while it does, she also pointed out that I needed more than just not in survival mode. We all know I process from writing, so I'm going to give you a piece of my heart right now, and I'm hoping some piece of it resonates with you, or a loved one.
There's a terrifyingly peaceful moment between life and death. It's that grey area that isn't quite alive and also isn't dead yet. Some people spend more time here than others. When I was writing those 8 letters all those years ago, I didn't realize that I was preparing for the worst, though my soul somehow knew it. I was writing them to be less of a burden on those folks. I was writing them in case I didn't make it. In case I died. 25 is a young age to process that, but I digress. Over the course of my 8 letters, I wanted to make sure the best parts of me were left behind. I wanted to care for those I loved, and give them one final beautiful piece of who I am... was?
I spent so long living day to day, that I hit a point where I didn't think it would get better than that. I had accepted my fate in a way. Not that I was okay with dying, but that I understood it was a huge possibility. I sat in that gray space unsure if I had what it took to fight for my life.
and all I could think about was everything I was leaving behind.
Being confronted with my mortality at the time didn't change much, but as the years have passed, and I've started processing, I see now the invisible trauma scars float in my heart.
If there's one thing that still holds true, I do not regret for one moment any of those goodbye letters.
But I want to go back to 25 year old Shay and hold her. 8 letters? There so much more to you than just that.
For a long time (and even still now) I couldn't quite wrap my head around how I made it through everything. How I chose to become this version. It's like I slipped through a multiverse and jumped headfirst into a different timeline. A stronger version than who I was showed up in those moments. Where I was weak, she was strong. Where I was scared, she was steady. Where I felt alone, she was there.
I re-read those 8 letters today, and I thought it would be beautiful to write just one for anyone who is going through something big and scary right now.
To you, I say, hold yourself. I know the world is dark and scary, and I understand that you feel like this mountain is too heartbreakingly big for you to summit. I know the overwhelming darkness that threatens to pull you under. You feel like you're drowning and that no one is coming to save you. I've been there, my heart aches that you are here. While you may feel backed into a corner and tired of being strong for everyone around you I want to give you a little advice from my journal. I wrote this to myself imagining that I was a warrior queen who had been undefeated in all her battles.
Shay, you brave woman, how dare you question your strength. You have me on your side, and I would never abandon you. You are focusing on the wrong pieces of this all. You want people to be there physically, I get it, I wanted that too. You may feel like others have abandoned you, but I ask you to look inside and shine a light on the places you are abandoning yourself. Where have you been too scared to look, what pieces of you are you trying to hide? What is causing you shame?
You are more than capable and I wish you could see the champion that raditates from you. You get me out of bed in the morning, and you smile when your heart is breaking. You have helped people when you were beaten down. Your strength does not come from being strong all the time. In fact in your fear is where your greatest strength lies. For every moment you've said, "I can't do this anymore" you've given yourself over to me. I can do this for you. I AM strong enough. I live and breathe in the grey areas that sometimes feel too overwhelming to touch on. When you feel beaten down, terrified, and alone, remember, you are not alone when you are with yourself. Because in yourself is where you find me, and I am the most powerful force you will ever come in contact with.
So don't you dare discredit yourself. Your kindness to others stems from breaking the cycles you've been exposed to. It comes from the world that could have made you so hard, crusted and mean, and instead, you woke up and chose softness, kindness, and caring. It takes so much strength to be the person you are, and it's about time you saw that. You may not feel strong, but how you live inspires strength.
I know how much you want someone to hold you and tell you, you're going to make it, and that it's the truth, though I can't promise endings, I can promise to never leave your side. I am here, always. One breath, one ask, one moment of stillness and you can feel me. Connect to me my sweet Shay, and know that with me, you will be exactly as you want.
All my power, is yours.