and yes, it removed *most* of my scars.
In case you are new here, I have survived 17 different surgeries over the last almost 4 years. Each of those procedures left its mark on my stomach. With each operation, I would wake up and look at all the changes my body was facing. From stints to feeding tubes to ports, and everything else under the sun.
Honesty here? I hated it. I hated seeing my belly button lopsided. I actually really dislike the way my stomach falls now. I really don't like my long scar that looks like I should have a child. and even more so, the biggest one on my stomach reminded me every single day that I almost died. For so long of my healing, I didn't see my scars for what they were, a victory.
Now before I lose you, let me tell you, I'm PROUD of my body, and how it fought. I'm happy to be alive, I LOVE my body, and I LOVE myself.
However, my scars? Not a fan.
It was not long after a big surgery (I was cleared) but my scars were VERY in your face. I was uncomfortable and worried about sex in general.
Then...I had a *close to sexual* situation, when the partner looked at my stomach and asked what happened, and then called it "distracting" in that moment, everything I thought about myself shattered.
I *know* it shouldn't have, but it did.
After that of course I started seeing everyone on Instagram showing their midsection. I saw the push for body inclusiveness. But you know what I didn't see? Disability. Pain. Scars. Instead, I saw the disabled community getting shadowbanned for showing their ports, their marks, and what their body was. I saw intestines being blocked for being offensive. I became painfully aware of how ableist this culture is, and even more so, how ableist I was towards myself. I didn't have a 6 pack, visible abs, and everything else I had shaped my body to look like for 25 years. It was all gone AND my body didn't function right anymore.
That suuuuuucked. Deeply, in my soul. It was lonely and a battle every single day.
I needed to take control of my life somehow, and I needed to take care of my body in some way. It wasn't long after that experience that I started working with a skin specialist to remove my scars.
Here we are 18 months and over 10k later, and I have some things to say.
First: To that first person. I hope you have spent time growing up, and understanding that not all bodies look alike, and my scars do not make me "undesirable" or "different". Also, that was mean.
Second: Do what makes YOU feel most pretty.
It's been interesting how many people comment on my body. My life, my scars, and they say things like "I barely notice" and other things like "you don't look sick" or "you sound better" and every SINGLE time I have to take a step back and walk myself through the fact that I know they don't mean to sound condensing, or rude, or entirely ignorant.
I'm glad that the random person in my life would say something like "your scars wouldn't bother me" Because it's not their body that they have to live in.
I didn't like looking at them, I didn't feel pretty or myself anymore. I also had the means, and the time to invest in scar removal. I am lucky that I have that privilege.
I wanted to feel my most pretty self, and that included not waiting for scars to heal.
Third: You DO NOT have to be "proud" of your scars.
It's okay if your scars are traumatic and you wish you didn't have to see them. It's okay if you woke up one day in a strange place looking in the mirror and you didn't recognize yourself. It's also okay to hide those VERY personal moments. They don't need to be celebrated or highlighted if you don't want them to be. It's your story, and you can choose to share how much or how little you want.
This world is YOUR human experience, and you can tailor it however feels most authentic to you and your journey.
For example, I have a scar on my leg, it comes from a painfully traumatic evening, and years later, I covered it with a tattoo. I wanted to reshape my story, and I knew humans were going to ask, so I would rather them ask about a tattoo instead of that scar, that trauma. I shifted my story.
HOWEVER, I plead with you to start looking at your body for what it truly is (no matter how sick, or able body you are) It's a powerhouse that's keeping you alive. every. single.day.
Fourth: I only slightly regret it.
I've spent my fair share around gaslight-y humans. ooof. Now you can imagine, gaslighting and scar removal do NOT help your mental health (it's a big reason why I stopped removal). When I feel gaslit about my experience I close my eyes and let my hands wander around my stomach. I feel the indents, the marks that no amount of removal can remove. I feel my belly button and the lack of muscles from damage. I go over the places where my nerves feel funky. I take deep breaths and ground myself into reality.
This helps when I start to question what I'm going through or what my experience is like (YES I KNOW I'm in therapy about this)
I say regret only because I wish I could go back and hold 4 years ago Shay! I wish I could hold her tight and give her the confidence she has now. All those well-meaning humans? They were just that. There are people out there who will love you no matter how lopsided your tummy is. No matter if an intestine is sticking out, or if you need to inject medicine there. The real question is can you learn to love yourself in the skin sack you are now in.
I say regret because it's the ONLY visible representation of my disability, and because this world cares more about looks or what they can see, it has made me feel "less than" I'm too disabled to be able-bodied, and I'm not visible for others to tell I'm disabled without knowing me. It's a mind fuck. (and we aren't getting into that here)
Moral of the story?
It's your story, choose however you want it to look.
But take the time to hold yourself close. You deserve deep and lasting love from yourself. You wouldn't stop loving your best friend if they had a million scars on their tummy.
So don't let your mind do it to you.
Say it with me "I am worthy of love exactly how I am."
"This is the body I was meant to be in"
"I am deeply beautiful"
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