Let's be real, 2020 is off to an intimidating start, however, honestly, truly, and deeply, this year has been nothing short of a miracle for me.
Let's back up. Here's the punch.
April 25th, 2019, I walked into the Lethbridge regional hospital a little nervous and waiting to hear what these doctors had to say. 6 months earlier I had a colonoscopy done and heard nothing, honestly, I assumed what was happening to me was normal (or stress-induced). Even more so I was only there because I lost a bet to my boyfriend at the time, and he wanted me to go. I assured him I was fine and not to panic, Doctors can't give out information over the phone.. right? That's why they wanted to see me?
Wrong. Doctors can't admit mistakes over the phone.
When trauma happens to us, our brains take a quick little picture, to remind us of the pain and how to avoid it. This moment was one of them.
I remember smiling and exchanging pleasantries, I remember the doctor apologizing, the head of HR taking notes, I remember seeing the screenshots, then I remember the instant fear. It's like the whole world quieted and though the doctor was still talking I could only hear mumbling. All I remember was sitting there telling myself "Shay you need to be strong."
Then I walked out and called my dad, I was trying to hold it together but a wave of sheer panic consumed me. "Dad," I sobbed. "They said they might have to take out my intestines. I don't understand.... It was a mistake.... they missed me... I don't know what to do...."
Cue more tears, cue fear, anger, pain, and then.. yup there it was, throw up. That weekend was a blur... I felt the same way I always did.. except super overwhelmed. I remember the love that surrounded me when Logan drove over to be with me, I remember the needles and the doctor visits. I remember Christie taking me to the hospital in the evening and staying with me through the night as my body scarily rejected the medications. I remember googling things way late into the evening. I remember Becky doing everything in her power to support me, care for me, and be there. I wouldn't be here without her. Then I remember disbelieving.. the more I googled the less I thought it was real.
One year ago my sense of security was knocked away from me. How did I deal with it? I thought they were wrong. I wanted a second opinion. I wanted something better, I needed to know that my life wasn't going to change and that I was just fine. I went back to Utah, disbelieving everything that happened to me in Lethbridge. I would be just fine.
This wasn't real.
Fast Forward (We all know what happened)
April 2020.
The whole world is in lockdown. People are mandated to stay home and stay safe. Everywhere you go masks are being worn and it's almost like the entire world has quieted. It's the same thing that happened last year for me. Trauma. Only this time it's on a mass level where everyone is experiencing their own version, and collectively as humanity, the only way we can be there for each other is virtually.
Cue panic, fear, anger, and yup.. sometimes throw up when things get overwhelming. This time it's different for me, this time it doesn't feel like everything is getting taken away. This time I'm dealing with this trauma in a different way. I'm resting, I'm healing, I'm meditating, and I'm working solely on my mental health. This time, I'm calming the noise, I'm being the person that I relied on a year ago. This time around I'm supporting myself, and those around me.
This pandemic that's going around is the talk of the town, it's scary, it's hard, and it takes away our sense of security in so many areas. Health, finically, business, fun, adventure, love, relationships, all of them feel like a distant memory, it's hard to deal with. So why do I say that 2020 has been a miracle for me?
I'm still breathing. Not only that but health wise.. I'm thriving. Things got so scary so fast in 2019 I wasn't sure I would make it out the same person, and frankly, I didn't. The Shay of April 2019 is gone, but the Shay of April 2020 is so much better, balanced, healing her insides (emotionally and physically) She's taking this time the universe is offering to hopefully seize remission of a terrible destructive disease before any more organs (or parts of organs) have to get chopped out. 2020 is a blessing and a curse.
How are you seeing it? It's okay to panic, and to randomly cry, it's 100% okay to feel like the world took something from you. It has. It's taken what you thought your reality would be. Here's some tips from a girl who has been through it before the pandemic.
1) Lean into Submission.
The more you fight, and keep looking backward the more pain you are causing yourself. It's okay to have those days where you melt down. In fact they are going to happen. But it's time to submit to something bigger than you. The universe is TRYING to tell the planet something right now. Listen, what do you hear?
2) You should always be washing your hands.
I'm not trying to raz you, but this 20 second handwashing isn't new.. and it shouldn't be. Staying home when you are sick isn't new. Stop acting like it is. These rules that are happening should ALWAYS be happening. Your germs spread easily to people like me, people who can't fight off any viruses. Be clean. It's better for everyone.
3) Journal it all.
It shows you how far you come, and it helps bring some sanity. Sometimes there are days when you feel like no time has passed but you can look back at older versions of yourself and pat yourself on the back. You've made it! Celebrate it. Write it. Even if there's nothing to write, report that.
4) Be Soft
Be gentle, be soft, and give yourself the space YOU NEED to heal and help yourself. I can't tell you what this looks like. But it won't look like tv all day, it won't be stagnation. It will be movement, it will be emotions and difficulty. These times your emotions will feel raw and all-consuming, so give yourself gentleness. You won't always be productive.
5) Focus on what you STILL have.
When I lost everything, I kept telling myself that I still had my eyelashes. Yes, I based my entire rebuild on my eyelashes. Then it grew to the people supporting me that was around me, then onto my online business. The list I still had started so small and pitiful, but it grew as I focused on what was left.
Well, a Pandemic isn't quite like having Crohn's. But the lack of going out, sitting around, and trying to entertain yourself is very similar. To top it off, the feeling you are feeling right now that nothing looks the same, that your old life is dead and gone, that's all normal, expected, and it'll happen. Movement and stillness will get us through it.
Comments